Over the last three months, my partner moved in with me, I suddenly lost a family member, and I tried to build another app while designing a second for my sister. This (along with the never ending barrage of terrible things happening in the world) led to a deep exhaustion, and a general deterioration of my health.
Just recently, I blogged about my evening projects and how much they mean to me, but even they became too much. I’m not as young anymore, and it shows. I strongly underestimated how much strain the move would put me under. Something’s going on with my health and I don’t quite know what yet.
But as much as it makes me feel guilty, things can’t go on like this. So I started hydrating better again, and spent my evenings watching YouTube and streaming series this entire week instead of working on personal or family projects. Today, we went for a really long walk along the river and watched a movie.
I’d love to say it changed things and I feel much better now, but that wouldn’t be true. I’m not okay, but I think I can be again, eventually. I feel terrible for not being productive, for not making progress.
In a recent phone call with a friend, we realised that I constantly feel like I’m late. There’s so much I want to do, but so little time left to do it. Every second spent not working towards my goals is wasted and makes it all the more likely that I’ll eventually have to accept I can’t reach all of them.
I couldn’t tell her, and I can’t tell you, why I push so hard for things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of everything. Probably I’m worried that if I slow down, some big scary other is going to catch up to me. But my body is showing me I need to slow down in every way it can.
So I’ll have to, or I might not get back up again. I come to this realisation every couple of years. Let’s see if this time, it’ll stick.
For now, one step after the other.
How do you do it? Balance work, health, life, personal projects, family, friends, the state of the world?